i very genuinely doubt you even care to check this anymore, but, in the case that you do, 

im really not doing well with everything going on in my life. i dont want to come to you with any of this because i dont want to treat you like my emotional punching bag or my therapist because that's not what you are and its not what you deserve and i would feel awful coming to you just to complain about my life. 

ive lost everyone at this point and i cant help but feel like its entirely my fault. 

i feel so utterly and cripplingly alone. 

i know that every time i say something to you now i apologize for the past, but i still feel so fucking bad about everything that ive done and i still hate the way that i treated you, so im still so fucking sorry. 

i do hope that youre doing well, and i want you to know that i am so proud of you and everything that youve accomplished. im sorry that i couldnt be there with you to see you do it. 

ive fucked up a lot, and im sorry that i involved you in my mess.

i dont really know how to end this, it was mostly just a vent instigated by a realization of how genuinely alone and isolated i am. 

i love you, i miss you, im sorry.