11NOV23 0231

I don't know what to say to you anymore because I know that no matter how close I still feel, I don't know you anymore. And I know that you don't know me. But I can't just not say anything. I know that you said that I wouldn't hear from you for a while and that's fine. But I still have things to say sometimes, and I still care about you, which makes me hope that there's a chance that you still care about me too. It's okay if you don't though. It's okay if you never even see this. Because whether you care or see this or not, this is cathartic for me, I'm realizing. 

I'm still stuck on you. I don't know why. It's been 3 years and it all still feels fresh. I have days where I forget and I feel like I might have moved on but then I have days like today where it all just feels so present in my mind. 

I also thought you should know that I finally reached out for mental help. I had a really really low point during my last underway and I decided it was finally time to seek help. unfortunately there's nothing that they can really do for me right now unless its debilitating. But they did tell me that things would be available for me once our schedule levels out some. So hopefully I'll finally be able to get to feeling back to myself. I feel like I look back at old photos of myself and I wish so badly that I could be that person again but I'm just not. And I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I just know that I'm definitely different. 

But I think I've decided to finally finally pick myself the fuck up and start getting my shit truly together. I sought mental help. I'm drinking more water and less soda. I'm eating healthier and more. I'm being more hygienic. I'm considering pursuing a new faith. I definitely want to research more faiths and learn more about other perceptions of the world that I haven't been exposed to. I'm learning to be better and I'm trying to be my best to those around me. I still have a lot of anger built up, but I'm trying to learn to live with it and not let it influence myself or my relationships. 

I feel like I'm doing a lot of what is considered "good" for myself, but I'm still not feeling any more whole. I don't know. Maybe I just need to stay on this path of goodness and self actualization and things will start to work themselves back to normal. Or maybe this is just how I am now. I really don't know. 

I also never plan to write these and I never revise or edit them. They're really just impulsive streams of thought that build up until I cave and start typing again. So I apologize if this isn't completely coherent or relevant. 

I do really miss you still. I'm trying not to, but I really don't know how. I hope you're well. And if you do happen to read this, thank you. For still caring. I've gone through a lot lately to make me feel like no one has much care for me anymore, but I would appreciate to know that at least someone still does. 

Feel free to give any updates of your own sometime as well, if you like. I do still try to check up on you when I can.

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